| argh.... |
[Dec. 15th, 2004|07:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I've never wanted anything more then i want it now, i want the feeling of you next to me, i was the warmth of you body, i want the taste of your lips, i want feeling of being needed, im sick of waiting and i dont understand why.. |
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| the forbidden kiss... |
[Dec. 13th, 2004|09:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | guilty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Used - I'm a Fake | ] |
I come over early, your sitting there, doing homework, im here to help, but thats not the only thing on my mind. We scribble around, flirty, i look in your eyes and you return the gaze. You come and sit on my lap, everythings cool. You lean in to kiss me, we being doing something we both know shouldnt be happening, but we cant help it. Who else are we suppose to share these things with? Im so comfortable that it continues to different things. The heat of the moment, your on top, i put my hands on the back of your head and pull you in, deep kissing, forbidden kissing.. 9 o clock hits, its time to go home. You walk me down stairs talking like nothing happened because really... nothing did. I give you a hug and we talk about old times, start my car, and head home. |
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| a night of 8-9 hours.. |
[Dec. 12th, 2004|11:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
Wake up to take an ACT test at 6:30 in the morning. Throw on some old clothes that havent been washed in days. I head to a place that i never wanted to go again. Finish the crappy 4 hour test feeling like crap, i head home. On the drive home i get stuck in traffic so i light up a cigarette. Listening to some good old country makes the ride easier. I get home. I think about what do to with myself as i stand in the door way to my kitchen staring at the computer screen. It hits around 4:30, i decide to give Her a call. No answer. Sit around for about another hour doing nothing. 5:30 hits, i decide to call again, this time, she answers. She had just spent an hour in a church service. She offers to get some food with her and i accept. Drive out to pick her up with nothing but happy thoughts. Of course when i get there, she is never ready. I step up the same stairs ive stepped thousands of times. Open the door to her house and walk right in. Spend 20 minutes in her house thinking about nothing but her. We leave deciding where we would like to eat. We head to my restaurantand were seated. Spend a good 1-2 hours there, joking, enjoying each others company. I light up a cigarette and so does she. We sit there talking about nothing but i know whats on both of our minds. She looks deep into my eyes and i do the same. You can always tell when someone is doing that. We pay the bill and leave, driving around for about 2 hours wasting a half tank of gas. We end up in my drive way where yet again, i light up another cigarette. She lays down as we listen to music and talk. The car gets cold, we head up into my house. I clear the mass amount of clothes on the couch so we can have a place to sit. Turn on the TV and allow her to choose what we watch. I feel my heart beating faster and faster as she moves closer and closer. Every time i look at her she has a smile on, laughing, looking at me when she thinks i cant see. What is keeping us from being together? Why does she still have feelings for me, or as she said she still "loves" me and yet were not together? I cant help but think that she is holding it off for something else, but the way we ended wasnt right.. i think we deserve another chance together... 1-2am and her father calls trying to enforce rules and curfews on her just because he doesnt work nights anymore when obviously she hasnt had curfews for 10 years.. I drive her home, the car warms up. As i pull into her driveway, i give a glance over, she is sitting there, as perfect as can be, so many things i wish i could say if i would stop choking on my words, so many things i want to do if she would just allow them. I stop the car and she gives me a look, Thanks for the ride and opens the door.. So many times i wish i would just say wait and tell her what she already knows.. Says ill talk to you tomorrow and closes the door softly.. i watch her walk up to the door and get inside.... |
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| a story that she once read to me... |
[Dec. 12th, 2004|10:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | None.. | ] |
"i can feel clean pure, white linens on my sunkissed skin. a homemade cotton skirt tasing my ankles and playing tricks on my thighs the grass and earth sticks to my feet not dirty though just natural. the way i should be. fresh faced and bare skinned forget the eyeliners, the double coat black lashes the shimmery angelwinged acid trip eyes. no lipliner putting limitations on the things my mouth can do no lipstick covering the true color of my voice. no foundation to hide behind just me. just this feeling the way i am at this very moment. just to be there...
the desert horizon in my view white oleanders licking all up my nose sweet poisionous smell beauty...evil wrapped in beauty walking out to my patio where there's original wooden furniture a trallace overgrown with whatever ended up growing there.the choking blue sky the horizion invisible comfortable in my surroundings with nature he is waiting outside for me as i carry out a bowl of freshly picked100% organic fruit. hi lights my cigarette as i walk passed. we sit and talk for hours it feels like but who knows over a soup cup of fresh leaf brewed green tea. he drinks a can of coke and we joke about where we are in comparison to where we thought we'd be right about now. a guitar wails from inside the house a girl screams in a hoarse voice of freedome and rebellion. the sun begins to set all the animals of the night begin to awake the night lillies begin to bloom tomorrow by day break they will be dead. bloom once then they're gone a simple yet powerful existance purple they'd be shockingly purple for their size and reputation.
we sit now and watch the sun go down give way to the moon we smile at each other and then he gets up and walks into the house leaving dishes and coke cans all over the table i sit for a moment and concentrate on a square ashtray with tiny butts inside all neatly in rows standing on their tiny tobacco filled heads.
i smile and get up and walk inside. leaving everything on the table as i walk through the nearly empty hardwood floored front room with nothing on the floor but an ashtray a white linen comforter and a bound hardcovered sketch book. charcol pencils randomly everywhere an empty tea cup a top the small stereo sysytem tea cups everywhere always nearly finished i catch a glimpse of myself in a small mirror shaggy dreadlocks and bright water color eyes clean i pass by the bedroom to the bath tub in yet another nearly empty room only a lion pawed freestanding tub in the center no curtain no shower head a toliet a freestanding hand painted sink all white and crisp no additives those aren't neccesary anymore i draw a bath scented with jasmine and honey the there are bottle all around the tub filled with homemade oils and salts and scrubs and cleansers and natural cures for different physical ailments i get undressed and get in. the girl still screams from the stereo in one of the rooms i sit in the hot water melting he walks in and undresses too he gets in the bathtub and we wash the day from each other with a sea sponge big and absorbant the dreads are not pulled up hight to keep dry he massages my shoulders we play in the tub until the water is lukewarm and uncomfortable getting out he puts on a cotton no dye towel as i walk air drying through the beautifully empty house to make another cup of tea he goes into the bedroom to get dressed me? i grab a can of coke and an ice cube and head from the bedroom as well. i climb on top of the futon matress laying in the center of the room white linens of course with a coft cotten 100% natural comforter with matching sheets i sit down wet and he give me a look i hand him the can of coke and the ice cube as he gives me a confused look even after all this time. i grab the ice cube from his open hand and put it in my mouth after a moment i climb on him kissing him deeply the cold comfort in the thirsty desert moving from me to him. i give this to him. somewhere in the house a teapot screams and i fall into the pillow."
A perfect life that has already been destoryed.... The question is.. why..? |
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| I miss her.. |
[Dec. 12th, 2004|10:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Used- I Caught Fire | ] |
I miss her.. i miss everything about her. I miss her body laying next to mine. i miss her hugs, her kisses. I miss the way she use to bite my ear. I miss kissing her neck, i miss taking care of her when she didnt feel good, i miss her eyes, i miss her calls, i miss just spending time with her, i miss our "1 tree hill nights", i miss holding her, talking to her, seeing her. I just fucken miss everything.... i miss going to the mall, holding her hand. i miss her breathing on my neck, i miss the way she touches me, i miss her... i fucken miss her..
"well i know that i cant take this anymore!!! i cant take this anymore....." -Globes and Maps... |
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